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William Ury begins the first chapter of The Third Side with a simple story. Two friends of his were almost run over by a speeding car. One of his friends got angry and smashed the hood of the car with his fist. The driver, infuriated, stormed out of the car. It turns out that the driver was black; Ury's friends are white. So, this rapidly escalating conflict immediately also took on racial overtones. Then, an elderly black man came up and put his hands down as if to say, "OK, cool it." As Ury finishes the story, "the young man visibly struggled to control himself, then suddenly walked back to his car, got in, and drove off without another word."[1]
You might well ask why it makes sense to start with a story about a bad driver and three pedestrians in an article about intractable conflict. Indeed, this story has little in common with anything else in this data base.
However, in one page, Ury opens two doors. The first is to what he calls "the third side," the individuals or groups who can help solve a conflict. The second and more relevant door here is to the way interpersonal conflict and violence sheds light on the broader social and political issues which are at the heart of this project.
What Is Interpersonal Conflict
Howard Gadlin, Ombudsman at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) discusses how cultural differences can lead to different interpretations of the conflict.
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In a very real sense, interpersonal conflict is the stuff of life.
We encounter it every day. My wife and I, for instance, routinely disagree about what to eat, whether we should go to the mall, our relationship with her daughter, if she should retire or not, and, perhaps most important of all, the amount of time I spend writing. I enter into conflict with my students over the grades I give them. And, even at the conflict resolution organization I work for, we have conflicts all the time over what projects who should take on, how we should work with the people who ask for our help, and even how we should clean up our office kitchen.
Interpersonal conflict truly is everywhere. We have road rage on suburban highways, battles of the bands, disputes between neighbors over property lines, arguments between workers and bosses. The list goes on and on.
Why Is Interpersonal Conflict Important?
Howard Gadlin , Ombudsman at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) gives some suggestions on distinguishing between interpersonal disputes and structural problems.
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The importance of interpersonal conflict lies in how we handle it.
One of my colleagues at Search for Common Ground who has helped set up a local conflict resolution center uses the terms "flight, fight, or unite" to describe our options when we encounter conflict.
"Flight" is what scholars call the exit option. Sometimes we can just walk away from it. If someone acts aggressively toward me on Washington 's infamous Beltway, I can drive away. If my neighbor turns out to be an impossible, harassing jerk, I can move.
We certainly can fight. It's not the road rage deaths that are most worrisome here, though there are far too many of them. Spousal abuse, most violent crime, and most schoolyard fights are an outgrowth of interpersonal conflict. The rage seen in American (and other) homes, neighborhoods, workplaces, and schools is very frightening. To some, it reflects our very human nature of selfishness, greed, and a tendency toward violence.
Or, we can unite to solve our differences cooperatively. My wife and I have found ways to become better parents and step-parents respectively simply by talking through our differences of opinion. I can settle almost every grade complaint in a way that not only satisfies the student involved but makes him or her a better student and me a better teacher.
If the interpersonal conflict is intense, however, uniting requires help from what Ury calls a third sider, an individual or group who helps disputants find common interests that can serve as the basis for an agreement. Many families going through the kind of conflict that could lead to divorce seek the help of counselors. Occasionally, I have to turn to my department chair for help if I can't work out a grade complaint or other conflict with a student. Most American communities have some sort of community conflict resolution service. Mediators and arbitrators are used on a routine basis in American business. Some of them have such good reputations that they can charge hundreds of dollars an hour for their services. Finally, at least 5,000 American schools have peer mediation programs to help minimize the violence that grows out of the inevitable conflicts among young people.
Little black girl gets assaulted
Ain’t no reason why
Newspaper prints the story
And racist tempers fly
Next day it starts a riot
Knives and guns are drawn
Two black boys get killed
One white boy goes blind
-- Tracy Chapman
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The words of Tracy Chapman in the box at right come from her debut album. In its 11 tracks, she evocatively tells us about many of the aspects of interpersonal conflict in the United States and beyond -- racism, poverty, homelessness, spousal abuse, gang violence, despair, substance abuse, corruption, sexism, and racial profiling by the police.
Some interpersonal conflict is a micro-level version of the international and national disputes which are the focus of this knowledge base. In other words, flight, fight, and unite are the options we have in facing any intractable conflict. Interpersonal and international conflict are not the same, of course. However, in some ways it is easier to prevent international conflict from turning violent because collective decisions have to be made, often by hundreds of people.
What Can Individuals Do?
Howard Gadlin Ombudsman at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) provides an example in which what at first appeared to be an interpersonal dispute was actually due to structural problems.
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Not surprisingly, individuals can have their greatest impact in the ways that interpersonal conflicts unfold. Unlike national or international conflicts which are decided at sites distant from London, England, New London, Conn., or New London, South Africa, these erupt and are best solved as close to "home" as possible.
During the 1960s, the civil rights activist Eldridge Clearer claimed that "if you are not part of the solution, you part of the problem." He was, of course, referring to the struggle for equality by African-Americans in what was loosely called the Black Power movement. His statement is just as true of any interpersonal conflict, whether race is involved or not.
As these three terms, "flight, fight, and unite" suggest, an individual faced with an interpersonal conflict has three basic options. The first two are almost always counterproductive.
As we saw earlier, interpersonal violence is almost always counterproductive. To see that, consider the biblical story of David and Goliath which one of my colleagues uses to illustrate our options when facing intractable conflict.
In the biblical story, the normal-sized David slays the giant Goliath using a stone and a slingshot. As far as the Bible is concerned, the story ends there.
But does it? In today's world, David will probably get arrested and spend time in jail. Or, if Goliath isn't killed, he will get back up again and try to exact revenge against David. Even if he is killed, his giant friends will probably try to get back at David by hurling boulders at him. In other words, in most real world settings, interpersonal violence used in response to interpersonal violence produces even more interpersonal violence in return.
Flight does not provide a better option. The narrator in Tracy Chapman's song does not literally flee the conflict; she sits behind her wall and listens, probably in fear herself. "Flight" here does not necessarily mean physically running away from a conflict. Rather, we tend to put it on the back burner, delaying dealing with it, hoping that somehow it will just go away.
It seldom does.
In other words, individuals have a primary responsibility to choose the "unite" option and solve their problems cooperatively. And, today, it is not hard for them to learn how to do so. Most communities in the United States and many other countries have local mediation services which can help people settle disputes and offer training in basic conflict resolution skills. So, too, do many schools, police departments, and corporations.
What Third Parties Can Do
Conflict resolution is a growth industry. Mediators are now called on to help settle everything from wars between states to "wars" between divorcing spouses.
The growing community of mediators and other conflict resolution professionals still has to mature in at least two ways. First, it has to become much more visible so that people who currently do not know it exists learn of it and turn to it when a conflict arises. Second, it has to become more political and seek out ways to make win-win conflict resolution the norm "above" the interpersonal level.
What States Can Do
Most governments have already taken steps to reduce the most violent forms of interpersonal conflict, such as spousal abuse. Most observers, however, believe that states also have a long way to go in preventing violence and punishing those who commit it.
More importantly for our purposes here, states have barely scratched the surface when it comes to promoting win/win conflict resolution at any level, including the interpersonal. A number of American states have created consensus councils or other institutions designed to foster cooperation in public policy making. Many American states require the use of mediation in divorce cases and otherwise promote the use of alternative dispute resolution because it is usually cheaper and provides more satisfactory outcomes than litigation. As noted earlier, many public schools and universities have peer mediation programs.
Few governments at any level or in any country have done much to promote interpersonal conflict resolution in other forms. In particular, almost none have supported campaigns or other efforts to promote win-win conflict resolution as a general approach to settling disputes. As a result, adversarial processes remain the norm for interpersonal as well political intractable conflicts.
[1] William Ury, The Third Side. (New York: Penguin, 2000), 3.
Use the following to cite this article:
Hauss, Charles (Chip). "Interpersonal Conflict and Violence." Beyond Intractability. Eds. Guy Burgess and Heidi Burgess. Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado, Boulder. Posted: August 2003 <http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/interpersonal_violence/>.
Sources of Additional, In-depth Information on this Topic
Additional Explanations of the Underlying Concepts:
Online (Web) Sources
Bellafiore, Donna. "Interpersonal Conflict and Effective Communication." , 2004
Available at: http://www.drbalternatives.com/articles/cc2.html.
This article examines the different styles that people adopt when facing situations of conflict on a personal level and offers techniques to prevent and mitigate harmful interpersonal conflict.
Maxwell, Jennifer P. "Power Inequality and Dissociated Coercion in the Mediation of Interpersonal and Domestic Disputes: Recognition and Response." , 1900
Available at: http://cms.kent.edu/cacm/faculty/upload/power_inequality.htm.
"Mediation is increasingly mandated as the "first step" for custody, visitation, and divorce cases. As a process that requires a balance of power between disputants, mediation is not an appropriate method to resolve domestic violence disputes, which are synonymous with profound disparities in power between the perpetrator and the victim...The prevalence of domestic violence, and the unsuitability of mediation for resolving situations of power inequality, does not prevent cases that turn out to involve domestic violence from being referred to mediation. This article addresses how the effects of domestic violence impact the mediation process, and suggests ways that mediators might recognize and respond to it."
Hartwell, Marcia Byrom. "The Role of Forgiveness in Reconstructing Society After Conflict." Journal of Humanitarian Assistance , 2000
Available at: http://www.jha.ac/articles/a048.htm.
This paper will addresses the topic of forgiveness by first defining it and secondly by focusing on its possibility and relevance in a post conflict situation. It will consider forgiveness within the framework of social reconciliation a collective attempt to rebuild a mutually beneficial and co-operative civil society by examining the concept of justice, by drawing upon psychological models of interpersonal forgiveness, and by considering other strategies for social healing. The traditional model of justice as fairness is questioned in its effectiveness to stop cycles of revenge and violence within a country. A more recent evolution of a "justice as reconciliation" paradigm developed by Mahmood Mamdani and derived from the South African experience, is explored as an approach that can embrace the process of forgiveness within the construction of reconciliation.
Loescher, Liz. Violence Prevention Through Conflict Management and Anger Management Training for Youth. University of Colorado: Conflict Research Consortium.
Available at: Click here for more info.
This paper is an edited transcript of a talk given by Liz Loescher for the Intractable Conflict/Constructive Confrontation Project on November 6, 1993. It gives information on preventative programs for schools that focus on conflict management and anger management training.
Offline (Print) Sources
Looney, John, ed. Alternatives to Violence Workbook. Akron: Alternatives to Violence Project, Peace Grows, 1986.
Eggert, Leona L. Anger Management for Youth: Stemming Aggression and Violence. Canada: National Education Service, March 1, 1994.
This training guide explains techniques for avoiding power confrontations with youth and teaches critical skills for expressing anger in appropriate ways.
Lulofs, Roxane S. and Dudley D. Cahn. Conflict: From Theory to Action. Allyn & Bacon, July 1, 1999.
"A text providing an introduction to the nature of conflict, how conflict works, research and theory concerning interpersonal conflict, and the escalation and de-escalation of conflict."-Book News, Inc.
Chasin, Barbara H. Inequality and Violence in the United States. Atlantic Highlands, NJ: Humanities Press, 1997.
This book examines the differences between interpersonal and structural violence, and how the media portrays them differently.
Rummel, R. J. The Conflict Helix: Principles and Practicesof Interpersonal, Social, andInternational Conflict and Cooperation. New Brunswick, N. J.: Transaction Publishers, 1991.
This book is a non-technical presentation of a unified theory of cooperation, conflict, and its resolution based on three-decades of accumulated empirical research. After presenting and clarifying twenty-eight principles of cooperation, conflict, and its resolution, this book concludes that to wage peace, foster freedom. This means to facilitate procedurally and institutionally people making their own choices about how they want to live, whether with freedom or not, as long as they do not try to impose their choice on others. In fact, the book points out, democratically free people have the least violence, and that no wars have occurred between democratic nations. He argues that freedom provides us with a path to a warless and socially just world.
Fredericks, Linda. Using Stories to Prevent Violence and Promote Cooperation. Colorado School Mediation Project, 1996.
This is a compilation of 10 stories from around the world, each with accompanying activities, for use with both primary and secondary students.
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Examples Illustrating this Topic:
Online (Web) Sources
Gross, Eric Kenneth. "An Evaluation/Assessment of Navajo Peacemaking." , February 15, 1999
Available at: http://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/187675.pdf.
This article is an evaluation of Navajo Peacemaking program. It was developed in response to dissatisfaction with western approaches to conflict resolution. The program was enlarged and modified to reflect increasing integration with Navajo traditions concurrent with the involvement of the current Chief Justice of the Navajo Judiciary, the Honorable Robert Yazzie.
Walls, Lisa. "Bullying and Sexual Harassment in Schools." , 1998
Available at: http://www.cfchildren.org/articlef/walls1f/.
Lawsuits have pushed two states to require sexual harassment policies in their schools. One New York middle school teacher, acting independently, wrote his own curriculum to deal with the problem. Peter Miner developed a Sexual Respect curriculum, and teaches his students "actions that alienate and hurt people are unworthy of people of intelligence and integrity" (Fried, S., & Fried, P., 1996, p. 66). Should these types of curricula become standard fare in North American schools, educators and staff will have concrete strategies for creating a climate of respect, where every person's dignity is honored.
Burt, Martha R., Sandra J. Clark and Margaret M. Schulte. "Coordinated Community Responses to Domestic Violence in Six Communities: Beyond the Justice System." The Urban Institute, Department of Health and Human Services, 1900.
Available at: http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/cyp/domvilnz.htm.
This report presents the results of a project which examines coordinated community responses to domestic violence, with a special focus on communities that are trying to incorporate into their response services and stakeholders beyond the justice system. The study was designed to understand the different approaches taken to coordinating a response and how these have developed not only in relation to the needs of battered women but in the context of other policy influences.
Global Violence Prevention. Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse.
Available at: http://www.globalvp.umn.edu/cgi-bin/index.pl.
Global Violence Prevention uses interactive case studies to guide users through real-life situations of family violence. Each case presents a story of escalating violence and a series of questions that require taking the perspectives of many professionals and family members. In each case, users are presented with effective ways to respond to victims and perpetrators and linked to current research and programmatic resources. Global Violence Prevention is designed to promote interdisciplinary thinking and approaches to issues related to families experiencing violence. Case studies are designed for professionals in training settings, students in a classroom, or individuals.
Workplace Violence Related Information.
Available at: http://www.workplaceviolence911.com/wpv911.jsp.
This is a comprehensive web site focused on providing articles, resources and information to help stop workplace violence.
Offline (Print) Sources
Powell, Kenneth E., Lois Muir-McClain and Lakshmi Halasyamani. "A Review of Selected School-Based Conflict Resolution and Peer Mediation Projects." Journal of School Health 65:10, 1995.
This paper describes, in general, the use of conflict resolution or peer mediation in schools as a way to reduce interpersonal violence. It summarizes nine school projects in four states (Florida, Maryland, Missouri, and North Carolina) that were supported by grants from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.
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Audiovisual Materials on this Topic:
Offline (Print) Sources
Senso Daughters. Directed and/or Produced by: Sekiguchi, Noriko. First Run Icarus Films. 1989.
This film delves into the issue of sexual abuse. Papua New Guinea women testify about the abuse they endured at the hands of the Japanese during WWII, while the Japanese deny these abuses took place. Click here for more info.
South. Directed and/or Produced by: Akerman, Chantal. First Run Icarus Films. 1999.
This film illustrates how interpersonal violence reaches out and touches society. It affects those living in the society in a social and psychological manner. Click here for more info.
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